[Keep in mind that none of these were written by me. If you have any clue as to who said the unattributed things here, or if I have misattributed something, please let me know. My contact information is on the front page (click the "Home" link on the menu to the right).]

Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
-Napolean I

If Jesus is the answer, what was the question?
-Seen on a bumper sticker

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyrrany, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. -Albert Einstein

"Das wesentliche ist fur die Augen unsichtbar. Man muss mit dem Herz suchen"
(What is essential is invisible to the eye. It is only with the heart one can see clearly)
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery - "The Little Prince" (note: this is actually originally in french, but I first read it in german, and I added an english translation since most people I know speak english)

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? -Ogden Nash

Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
-Anon.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
-Charles Schulz

Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
-Anon.

If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.
-Anon.

Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
-Anon.

Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
-Anon.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-Dykstra

The only rose without thorns is friendship
-Anon.

All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
-Anon.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
-Anon.

In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
-Anon.

We are the people our parents warned us about.
-Anon.

Nice guys finish last. But we get to sleep in.
-Anon.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-Groucho Marx

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-Anon.

Once there was this conductor, see, who had a bass problem. You see, during a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.

Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.

America stands for freedom
But if you think you're free
Walk into a deli
And urinate on the cheese
-Anon

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.
-Albert Einstein

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-Carl Jung

Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.

Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
-Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696

Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say "I don't know."

There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
-Richard Le Gallienne

DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system crashes, usually just before saving a massive project. Easily cured by UNIX. See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

Music is-
"After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible."
"An outburst of the soul."
"Love in search of a word."
"The art which is most nigh to tears and memory."
"What feelings sound like."

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
-Oscar Wilde

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do
-Oscar Wilde, on his deathbed

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
-Snoopy

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
-George Saunders' dying words

In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.

If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
-Oscar Wilde

A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.

All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.

Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
-Mark Harrold

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

Knowledge without common sense is folly.

-It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.
-Why, what did she say?
-I don't know, I wasn't listening!

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

Ideas don't stay in some minds for long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupdity.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Cookies and porn?! You're the best mom EVER!
-Ross on "Friends"

When called by a Panther, don't anther.